You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
