I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
