I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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