You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am spending my child support on dildos
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
