I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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