Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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