entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
