am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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