these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
