Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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