I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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