Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
