Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
