I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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