Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
