someone threw a dead crab at me
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
