She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm really busy with my period
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