this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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