I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
