I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
