Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
