You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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