the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
