the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
