dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
