I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Terrible idea I love it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
