I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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