i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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