So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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