Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
