If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
