obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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