When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
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he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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