you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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