Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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