he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
