You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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