it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
