The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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