btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
