They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
