I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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