I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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