what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
