Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
