best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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