so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
