Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
