the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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