he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
