Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
