do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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