I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This is the high leading the old right now
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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