Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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