Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
