Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
