I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
