I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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