My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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