mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he shaved USA in his pubs
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
