There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.