I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
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Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.