I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Randomize
